My Open Letter to Google, Or Ten Reasons To Let Me Test Google Glass

Dear Google,

Journalism is hard work. As technology writers, we’re hard-pressed to pound out one article after another on a daily basis, stressed out by deadlines and editorial demands. When we are not eating free muffins at press functions and making up bad Steve Ballmer jokes, we also have families to support and coffee addictions to fuel (I went to Starbucks 14 times just today).

So, I’m writing to see if you can make my life a little easier. See, I know you said I’m “on the list” to receive my own pair of Google Glass. I know what that really means. It’s secret code for you suck and don’t even think about ever seeing this product – like, ever. But I have decided not to accept that eternal fate as prescribed by you. And to prove to you I have not accepted that fate, here are a few reasons I’d be a great Google Glass candidate.

1. I’m God

Seriously, it would be handy to have a pair. You know, since I’m the Creator of the Universe and all. Think about it: if I decide to record a miracle or move a mountain from one continent to another, that would be a pretty cool thing to see on Google+. (It might even help you capture more than the market share equivalent of Rhode Island.) If you don’t have a fresh pair of Glasses, can I at least get the ones from Robert Scoble when he’s done?

2. I promise not to wear them in the bathroom

TMI on that one

3. I can turn invisible at will

This could really help with privacy issues. It might seem a little odd when I walk into Starbucks and there’s a pair of Google Glass floating in the air, but that’s not my problem. Think about the possibilities here: I can test Glass in senate chambers, at back-hall labor negotiations, during secret FBI meetings, and at the front entrance of Google HQ. (Keep cracking that whip! Last time I was there, I had to give you a blood sample and take a polygraph to get in.)

4. I’m holding a Chromebook Pixel hostage

You sent me the Pixel, which in hindsight might have been a bad idea. I’m holding it hostage, keeping it charged (but just barely), connected to the Internet, and with Google on the home page. I sometimes turn the brightness on the screen way down, which can be quite painful. Warning: If I don’t get a pair of Glasses, I might switch the home page to Bing.com.

5. I have three eyes

This could be a good test of customization.

6. I can cross over to the multiverse

Have you seen that show Fringe? That’s me. I’m living it. I can switch over to the Other Epoch of Time at will, snap a few photos, see if the Super-Secret Organization That Controls All Things (aka Krispy Kreme Doughnuts) notices me wearing them, and record some vids. I can let you know if Glass makes it through the time-warp machine AND the washing machine.

7. I have close personal friends who are Borg

You get used to the pasty white skin after a while. Hey, Borg are people too! (Actually, I think they might be aliens, but let’s move on.) Sure, they are physically connected to a computer and tend to drool incessantly, which is annoying. But, they made wearable computing fashionable long before anyone else did, mostly during their conquest of the universe. Next time we’re sitting around watching the game or having a tacofest, I’ll see if I fit in.

8. I get 14 million e-mails and texts per day

I figure this might be a good way to test whether Google Glass can keep up with my daily influx. Hey, missed that one there, huh dude? Oops, forgot to show that one on the big old HUD again, eh sport? I get so many e-mails per day that Gmail sometimes pops up a message that says – hang on there, we need to open another data center in Iowa for you. Just one of my kids texting me for a ride constantly could potentially turn Glass into a whimpering idiot.

9. I have a cat

Seriously, and he does some crazy antics worth streaming live on the Web for everyone to see. Once, he started building a Lego set with his paws. He has untangled fishing line. He can speak Spanish.

10. I’m multilingual

Not sure how much you are testing this, but I can speak Minnesotan AND regular English. My son-in-law is from Austria, so he can try them out with a German accent. I also occasionally speak to a Wal-Mart check-out clerk who is fluent in Ancient Egyptian. If you need some extra feedback, I can also SPEAK IN ALL CAPs or with a really low voice. I can say every command in screamo or like President Obama. Or, how ‘bout this one man: with a California accent.

Okay, ping me back.